The fact that I have kids sometimes amazes me. My most defining personality characteristics are not 'mom' characteristics. I am introverted, a perfectionist, and impatient. I love being alone, and I love silence. I love spending the day pouring over a book, or playing my piano, or walking, or quietly solving life's problems over a cup of hot, strong coffee. These are my favorite things. And all of these things are the antithesis of what motherhood requires.
Motherhood is selflessness, patience, kindness, love, and sacrifice. And I have often wondered how I ended up with three children. I am annoyed by clutter, irritated by noise, and constantly locking my bedroom door for peace and quiet. Even while I write this, I hear arguing over the Xbox, my daughter's loud grating music, cabinets in the kitchen being slammed, a voice, yelling, "STOP IT," and someone running up and down the stairs. And yes, I am annoyed.
I have always envied those mothers who patiently listen to their children babble ceaselessly about random, non-essential things without demanding....get to the point! Or the mothers who sigh resignedly when their children spill Kool-Aid on carpet without freaking out over the inevitable, permanent stain. Or the mothers who plan craft days at home, who carry Band-aids in their purses, who have dinner planned for the next month, who never miss a dentist appointment, who spend the entire day with their children listening, encouraging, and enjoying every single moment.
I have always wished I could be more like that. And I used to try to be that mom. When I think of all the projects and ideas that have horribly flopped, I just laugh. I used to try to sew, decorate cakes, and do family activities. All of it went awry and left me a raw nervous wreck. I used to think....if only I could be more patient, if only I could be more relaxed, if only I could enjoy it!!!! I drove myself crazy trying to change myself into what I believed I should be.
Eventually I gave up on trying to change myself, because over the years, I have learned to embrace my eccentricities and just be the mom that I am. And I am not so terrible. I am the mom who will take five kids to a Harry Potter midnight premiere. I am the mom who does not mind when six kids sleepover, stay up all night, eat nothing but junk food, and sleep til noon. I am the mom who enjoys being around teenagers (a true rarity), who plays Guitar Hero, jumps on the trampoline, and rides roller-coasters.
I have learned that we are all different, and that there is no 'norm' or standard for being a mother. And yes, I have things I need to work on...things like patience and organization. But when I look at my children and myself, I see that I am still sane, they are still alive, and most surprising of all, they love me.
I found a passage in the Bible which has become my credo for motherhood: Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). And I thank the good Lord for that, because I have so many flaws. I love my children more than life itself, and like most mothers, I would unhesitatingly throw myself in front of a bullet to save any one of them.
If being a mother is loving another person unconditionally and selflessly, I can say that at least I have done one thing right.
